My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Text me some of your sweat
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
