I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
