I should be sponsored by Trojan
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
