My brain says no but my pants say off.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
