Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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