everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
