Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
