why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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