if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
