So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
