Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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