I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
