she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
you traded sex for a burrito?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
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