he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
