Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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