Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
