when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
ok first of all what the fuck
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
The air taste purple.
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