we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
