Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
