Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
