Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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