there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
