i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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