I want to stick my p in your. b.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
