I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
