There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
