Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
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