Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Randomize
