She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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