He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
