Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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