my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
