i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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