Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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