she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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