I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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