awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
