I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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