paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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