Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
