the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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