If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
