a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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