I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
