the condom got lost in my hair
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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