I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
