Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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