1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I bet he comes in French.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
