What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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