Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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