cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
