And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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