my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
