It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
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he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
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