Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
