the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
